


Carry

by AstoundinglyMade



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Non-Magical, Bisexual Remus Lupin, Dad!Remus, Gay Sirius Black, Get Together, M/M, POV Remus Lupin, adults adulting like adults, dora without the misogyny, good dads forever, historical Remus/Dora, hope lupin is a treasure, kind of, the only angst is in our heads, toddler!teddy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-19
Updated: 2019-11-19
Packaged: 2021-02-12 23:37:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,687
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21484717
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AstoundinglyMade/pseuds/AstoundinglyMade
Summary: At forty Remus finds himself single parenting, overworked, and struggling for purchase. When Sirius offers to watch Teddy while he interviews for a new job, Remus can't help but notice the way things have shifted in his relative absence. With the interview looming, Sirius acting strangely, and his mother being far too insightful for anyone's good, he finds it increasingly hard to pretend he isn't ready for everything to change.
Relationships: Hope Lupin & Remus Lupin, Remus Lupin & Nymphadora Tonks, Remus Lupin & Teddy Lupin, Remus Lupin & Teddy Lupin & Nymphadora Tonks, Sirius Black & Remus Lupin & Peter Pettigrew & James Potter & Lily Evans Potter, Sirius Black & Teddy Lupin, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 19
Kudos: 150





	Carry

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to @chromat1cs for using her edit powers to make this story better and to @starstruck4moony for cheerleading (all caps yelling) it to completion. I hope I've given you both the great dads you were looking for.

"We have to be able to figure this out." The frustration is clear in Lily's voice as she scans the room and weighs the options. "If we weren't supposed to be at the baby shower that day, you know we'd do it."

"It's not worth pissing Petunia off." Remus' eyes flicker to his watch and he makes to stand. "I'll just have to see if they can reschedule. I'd love the job obviously, but if they can't be flexible, it's not going to work out anyway, is it?"

"Leave those," James gestures to the stack of plates Remus is holding. "Are you sure you and Teddy don't want to just stay here? He's up in the guest room already. Why wake him?"

Remus lets himself think about the comfortable bed at the top of the stairs for a brief moment before forcing himself to remember the stack of edits he's got left to get through before he calls it a night. "I'd love to, but Ted has an early start tomorrow. Best to do it from home."

"Is he still in that daycare by the University?" Marlene's question, only curious, is no less a reminder of how little he's seen these people in the last year and a half. Had he been visited by the Ghost of Unprotected Sex Future on that fateful night just over two years ago, he might have made different choices, no matter how much it pains him to admit it. It's not that he doesn't love Teddy, not that he isn't overjoyed to curl into that little body every night when he reads him to sleep, not that he doesn't love having a tiny reminder with him always of the time he and Dora had, it's just that all those things bring along with them a feeling of drowning he isn't quite able to shake. Some days he feels he hasn't slept in months and that he likely never will again, and still he has it better than Dora. 

"He does. It's good for both of us."

The day they went to register a then-six-month-old Teddy at the centre, the overly friendly woman had gone over the application with them, checking for any missing information, then asked about emergency contacts. "Who would you like called in the event of an emergency? We like to have at least three people on file, just in case."

"You first obviously, Rem, then let's list your mother, then me." Dora had been facing Remus at the time, turned in her chair so they could talk, and had missed the way the day care worker,  _ Miranda, but call me Mimi, all the kids do!, _ had furrowed her forehead at the last.

"Me, you, mom should work," Remus had offered by way of tow rope but Dora hadn't known she'd needed one so she'd plowed on through. "That's ridiculous, we both know I'm only here some of the time anyway, best to have your mom listed ahead of me. If something happens, let's worry about getting to Ted first, then you can make sure I know."

"Just because your  _ important law enforcement job _ requires you to travel, doesn't mean you're only here sometimes." Remus held Dora's confused eyes firmly, willing her to understand. "I wish you wouldn't talk about yourself like that. You know Ted and I are very proud of you." Dora's eyes had gone soft with the compliment, a small smile tripping its way shyly across her face, and Remus felt with his whole heart that even though they'd never really been together, never probably should have been messed up in each other's lives at all, he really had lucked out. Of all the people to accidentally end up parenting with, why not a girl you could see yourself loving forever?

"Alright then, Mr Lupin, will you be the one doing the drop off and pick ups?" Miranda's,  _ because I'm not a child _ , voice snapped Remus back into the room unpleasantly. "Is there anyone else you'd like to be able to pick him up?"

A half hour later they'd stood on the street feeling less than thrilled about the experience. "I'm really sorry, Dora. I'm angry about it and it wasn't even me she was being an ass to. I can only imagine how it feels for you." She'd stepped into his open arms and burrowed into the hug. "Like being the one who had to struggle her way through all nine of those months wasn't enough to ask of you, now they want to guilt you about it too?"

"I swear you're more upset about it than I am, Rem." She'd pulled him tighter then released. "We knew when we made the choice to have him that people weren't going to like it. Don't let it get to you too much. You know I think it's worth it, that's what matters."

Now, standing over Ted curled up in the corner of this big bed at the Potter's, Remus can't imagine his life any other way. He's running behind on at least three editing deadlines, he hasn't seen his friends outside these dinners in months, he's fairly sure he'll be wearing a dirty shirt when he takes Ted into daycare in the morning, and he's profoundly grateful for every second of it.

  
  
  


When Remus comes down with a sleepy and disgruntled Teddy in his arms he's relieved to find the living room quiet and empty. Getting Ted transferred once he's already asleep is hard enough, if there's something else interesting going on it can be nearly impossible. "Come on buddy, I'll call us a car and we'll be home really soon."

"I'll drive you." Sirius is standing in the front entrance with his jacket on, Remus' in his arms and Teddy's backpack slung over one shoulder. "Come on, I've got the car out front."

"We're in the other direction, it's fine, really." Teddy head lolls out from Remus' neck and it takes a quick reshuffle to stop it from falling back.

"It's really no trouble," Sirius says turning to open the door. "Plus this way I might actually get to spend a minute with you. I don't think we've seen each other in months."

"I see you every other Sunday, right here." Remus knows his voice sounds tight, but he's already feeling the weight of Teddy in his shoulder and really doesn't want to have another one of these talks right now. He knows he's been squirreled away with Ted too much without needing to be made to feel bad about it, but how else is he supposed to manage this? Dora's gone six days out of eight according to a schedule so complicated Remus can barely keep the next week straight, and he's got Ted, and work, and trying to keep the house together, when would he possibly have time for anything else?

"I know." Remus hears the muffled response through the open door of the car where Sirius is busy arranging his and Teddy's belongings. Then a whisper so quiet he can't be meant to hear it, "but I miss you." Closing the front door Sirius comes to see if Remus has managed to settle the sleeping toddler well enough in the backseat."Is he okay there? Does he need anything? I could grab a pillow from inside?"

"He's fine, Sirius. Really. Thanks for this." Sirius pauses in the open doorway to the back seat and looks at Teddy curled up in Remus' lap for what feels like just a moment too long before quietly closing the latch and moving around to the drivers side.

It takes several blocks for Remus to figure out there's something up. At first it's the way Sirius is being especially quiet, not that he expects him to be loud with Teddy trying to sleep, but he's usually at least a little talkative. Then he notices that Sirius is driving surprisingly safely. He's never dangerous, but he's a great driver and he knows it. He knows his car, as he should, given that he's rebuilt most of it, and he knows himself, so usually his driving is smooth and just a little too much for Remus' liking. Today it's slow, noticeably slow, and cautious. "Alright, Sirius?"

"Huh?" Sirius blinks, as if woken from a daze, and meets Remus' eye in the rear view. "Yeah, fine. Why?"

It's a little sharp, a little too loud, and Teddy starts briefly and turns himself farther into his father in response. "You seem off, I just wanted to know why."

"Off how?" Remus watches Sirius check the turn twice, then again.  _ Like that _ . 

"You're very quiet, you're driving oddly, you seem off." The eyes flicker up to meet his again then dart away. There was a time when Remus would have known exactly what this was. In school, of course, but also in those years they'd lived together on and off after school. Before Dora, and Teddy, and that asshole Sirius dated for a while, the one whose name no one says anymore if they can help it. Now though, he finds himself unable to read the meaning behind any of this.

"I've got Ted in the car, Remus. Would you rather I was reckless?" Through the mirror Remus can see that the smile in his voice doesn't reach his eyes.

"I miss you too, you know." It's a leap. He knows he wasn't meant to hear Sirius' admission, but it's not a lie. They've hardly been alone together at all in the last six months and he does, he misses him constantly. After so many years spent in each other's company he still finds himself pulling two mugs from the cupboard, or turning to read a funny line from the paper, only to remember they don't live together anymore.

"I could watch him. On Friday, I mean." They are making another turn, barely five minutes out from Remus' apartment now, and Sirius pauses while he checks the turn twice, three times, again. "You deserve that job, Remus. I'll take the afternoon off and come watch Ted for you." He keeps his eyes forward the whole time giving Remus nothing to go on.  _ Is he being sincere? He's never offered to watch Ted before? He was great with Harry, but that was years ago. _

Unsure what to do, Remus decides to give him an easy out. "I'm going to ask them to reschedule, but I really do appreciate it." The silence hangs.

"Whatever you want, but I think we'd have fun." Sirius pulls round the back, closest to the back stairs he must remember Remus prefers, and reaches back. "Pass me your keys and I'll wedge the door."

"I can get him upstairs," Remus says even as he lifts one hip just enough to get a hand in his back pocket.

Sirius only shakes his head and closes his hand gently around the hanging keys to keep the noise of their movement to a minimum. "Just take the help, will you?"  _ Which help? _ Remus watches him walk away, watches as he bends to pick up a loose brick someone has kicked to the side of the alley, and carries it over to hold the door open for them. Not for the first time he wonders what it would be like to have this kind of help all the time. He's not alone. He's got Dora and his mom, and Dorcas and Marlene, James and Lily, but it's not the same, is it? This, someone to help him home and carry Teddy's stuff so he doesn't have to decide whether to risk balancing it or leaving things behind, this is different. This is what he thinks about when he's been stuck inside for days, leaving only to drop Teddy off or pick him up, to get groceries, to get the mail. Someone to share the weight with day in and day out.

"I've got his things. You come on out then I'll check to make sure we haven't forgotten anything, okay?" Sirius is back at the car, his torso through the passenger seat to gather Teddy's bag and jacket and, though Remus won't admit it later, it does something strange to his heart when he sees Sirius gather up his own jacket and bag to carry as well. He tries to shake the feeling only to have it double as Sirius bends outside his door and keeps his eyes on the still sleeping Teddy while he very carefully unlatches the door, watching the whole time for any sign he's about to startle.

"I can manage it, Sirius. Just let me get out, then you can pass me our things." Remus carefully holds Teddy close, trying to keep even pressure on his hips and head, as he works his way to the side of the seat and slowly pivots his legs out the door.

"Oh, do shut up." There's nothing in the tone other then friendly chiding, but in the quick look up Remus makes by instinct, Sirius' face looks far more tense than he's letting on.

"There's something going on with you," Remus whispers once he's free of the car. "And we are going to go upstairs, get Ted into bed, then you're going to to me what it is." True to his word, Sirius ducks into the car to check for anything they've dropped then closes and locks the doors before following Remus through the door and kicking the brick out of the way.

The walk up to the third floor is largely silent other than when Sirius insists on squeezing past Remus, a ridiculous move in this small space, to open the door for the two of them. "I have hands, you know."

"Very fancy, Remus," Sirius throws back as he holds down the catch in the door to help it close without that horrid echoing empty noise fire doors are known for. "But I think you'll find most of us do."

"You know what I mean," Remus hisses while readjusting Teddy's weight so he can dig out his keys. "I don't need you to open doors for me."

Stepping up, Sirius opens his hand, and Remus groans. Of course. "I think you'll find you do." Sirius' soft chuckle still hangs in the air as they step into the apartment.

"I'm going to get him settled, just drop our stuff on the bench, and make yourself at home. With any luck I'll be out in ten." With that Remus turns down the hall and shoulders himself into Teddy's room. It's predictably a bit of a mess so he moves slowly in the darkness, careful not to step on anything that either hurts or makes noise.

This is the moment of truth. Bending ever so slowly at the knees, Remus lowers himself until he can nearly rest his elbows on the mattress. The method is simple, Teddy's bum meets the bed first, three full breaths in and out, carefully slide the right arm out from under his legs, three breaths, bring a pillow to just the right spot for his head, three breaths, switch his head into his right hand, three breaths, lower his head as gently as possible into the pillow, three more breaths, remove the hand. The number of times this has gone entirely smoothly can probably be counted on two hands, but usually the fallout can be fixed with a quick cuddle and a quiet rendition of the lullaby his mother used to sing to him as a boy. For good measure, when tiny bum meets bed he hums the first bars of the tune. He repeats the song twice, about to go in for the last chorus, when he manages to pull his hand free from under Teddy's head; the only repercussion a sniffle and a small huffing sound as the boy settles himself deeper into the pillow.

"You're very good at that."

Sirius is standing in the door to Teddy's room, leaned up against the jamb, a cup of tea in each hand.  _ When did he have time? _ "How long have I been in here?" Remus doesn't know he's said that last aloud until Sirius sticks his head out the door, wrenching his neck toward the kitchen. "Fifteen minutes. Not long."

"Not bad. And yeah, I've had a bit of practice." Sirius backs out of the doorway into the hall and passes Remus a mug before following him back into the living room. "Mom's been doing a lot of the afternoon pickups for me recently so I can catch up at work, and by the time I get him back he's usually out."

"That's a long day." Remus sets his mug down on the coffee table and does his best to straighten the stacks of papers strewn across the surface without losing track of what can only be very loosely described as their order. 

"I know, but there's not much I can do about it. I don't get paid until these manuscripts are turned in, and without that it's worse, so here we are." He audibly sighs when he sits, for what feels like the first time today, and pulls his knees up to tuck his feet under the pillow beside him.

"I meant for you. That's a long day for you," Sirius says with unmistakable concern in his eyes. "Am I right to think you've still got work to do tonight?"

"Always." Remus takes a long sip of his tea and finds it exactly the way he likes it in the evenings, one sugar, plenty of milk.  _ I miss you _ . 

"Let me take him on Friday." Sirius sounds guarded, like he's nervous he'll be turned down.  _ Because he has been _ , Remus reminds himself,  _ because I already did _ . He's still unreadable beyond the nerves, and Remus brings his mug up again to cover for his indecision.  _ What is he hoping for? _

"You've never watched him before, maybe the whole afternoon plus bedtime isn't the best way to start." Remus looks up from his mug and tries to gauge the response; Sirius is good at masking his feelings when he wants to, and Remus is pretty sure he wants to now, though he still can't guess why. Regardless, there's a slight narrowing of his eyes that gives his frustration away. "Why do you want to do this?" The words are out much more directly then he'd have chosen if he'd taken the time to actually make a choice.  _ Oh shit _ .

Remus steals a look over at Sirius and finds him contemplating the cover of a folder holding some of Remus' notes with a level of attention that can only be an attempt to buy time.  _ Okay then, we're both uncomfortable. _ "Okay, let's start over." Sirius stops his hand where it's running over the embossed letters on the folder's front cover, but doesn't look up.  _ Come on, give me something! _ Remus isn't sure where he's going with this, but there's something waiting to be said between them and it isn't working this way. "Tell me what's bothering you tonight. Would you rather start there?"

"No." Sirius laughs it out in a huff. He shakes his head and chuckles quietly to himself. "I really wouldn't. But I would like to watch Teddy on Friday. And," he holds up a hand and meets Remus' eye for the first time since they'd sat down, "I know I haven't watched him before, but it's not like I've been given the chance either." _ Oh _ . Okay, so this is about more than just not having time for people. "I think, I don't know, I guess I just thought when you all had kids, I'd get to know them."

"You do know Teddy," Remus realizes the trap as soon as he's stepped into it. It's not true, is it? Sure, Sirius sees Teddy at the Potter's, or at his mom's around Christmas, but he's never really been given the chance to get to know him, has he? To be fair, this isn't the way any of them had imagined having children at all.

The assumption had always been that Lily and James would get married and have babies, which they did, more than fifteen years ago, when Harry was born, and that Pete would eventually settle down, and he has, twice now, but Remus and Sirius were a different story. Remus was the first of them to date, but the last to get involved with anyone seriously. If he was honest with himself, Dora had been his first real love, and even that had been mostly platonic aside from the fumble that gave them Teddy. As far back as he can remember he's never really considered himself the kind of person who'd get married and have kids. As for Sirius, he's never been one for talking much about what he wants at all.

"No. No you're right, that's not entirely true, is it? Look, I never thought this was going to happen. I never thought I'd have a Teddy in the first place, and I'm floundering on the best of days believe me, but yeah, I really." It's Remus' turn to laugh. "I'm pretty sure I'm fucking it up." The laughter that spills out in recognition of how much he believes what he's saying is high and more than a little manic. Thankfully he has the good sense to cover his mouth to block the bulk of the sound, but it does nothing to stop his shoulders from quaking under the strain of trying to keep it in.

Sirius' voice, when it comes, is close by, next to his ear.  _ When did he move? _ "You're really not. Trust me." Sirius bends to the table to pull a tissue from the box and hands it over. "I'm a bit of an expert on what fucking it up looks like. And you in there with Teddy isn't it." There's a tenderness in the way he gets another tissue and hands it over, watching patiently as Remus tries to dry the tears left over from his laughter, then gathers it back and tucks them into his pocket to get rid of later. "He's wonderful and you're doing great. Promise me you'll get some rest." He shakes the words off even as they're leaving his mouth. It's obvious he knows it's never going to happen. "Why don't I come by tomorrow with dinner and you can walk me through what Ted needs on Friday and I can play with him while you get some work in?" Sirius is deliberately looking into his mug as he finishes, clearly still unsure how his offer will be received.

"We're usually back from the day care before half five, so any time after that?"

"Yeah?"

The surprise in it almost hurts. Sirius shouldn't be this surprised that he wants his company, shouldn't be nervously chewing the inside of his lip. "Yeah." Remus aims for reassuring. "I want you to know him." A pause then while he gathers himself to continue. "It's like I've been swimming upcurrent since he was born, and it's all I could do to keep moving forward." He keeps his eyes in his lap, but doesn't need to be able to see to know Sirius is watching him. "I hope you know I wasn't trying to keep you out."

"I know." His voice is impossibly soft. "I'm not usually the first choice when it comes to kids, I get that. And you've got your mom." He sounds, sad? "Anyway," Sirius says, more brightly now, though it's obviously for show. "I should leave you to this, and by this I mean bed." He jabs an index finger at Remus' chest to emphasize the point. There are permanent grease stains in the cracks along his fingers.  _ Have they always been there? When did his hands get so rough? _ "No work tonight, Mr Lupin, do you understand me?" Remus forces his eyes up and is rewarded by the sight of Sirius trying to look, well, serious.

"Yes, sir," Remus answers with a raise of his brows and is delighted to see Sirius' eyes widen almost fast enough to miss it.

  
  
  


"I stopped for curry. I thought naan and moong dal for Ted, will that work?" Sirius hands the bags over and sits to take off his boots. "I double checked and the biryani I chose shouldn't be spicy either, so that's also an option."

"Yeah, I honestly thought I'd just feed him whatever, but, yeah, that's great." Remus shuffles Ted a little higher on his hip to counterbalance the weight and turns to the kitchen.  _ How does Dora do this? Is it a mom thing or just a hips thing? _ The only part he's sure of is that if he doesn't get to the table and offload the bags soon, he'll have to make a quick Teddy or the food decision, and he's truthfully not sure which way that will go. "Okay, little lovie, hold on to Da, we're almost there."

It's Teddy that sees Sirius come through first and makes a lunge for him, torquing himself dangerously out of his father's grasp. "Woah!" Remus throws the arm holding the bags up to catch to toddler at the shoulders wincing instinctively at the sound of food containers compacting. Sirius is at his side in seconds to carefully untangle the bag's handle from his hand. "No just…yeah." Teddy hasn't stopped squirming which means the whole operation involves a lot more of Sirius' hand in his than he would have imagined. Turns out they're as rough as they look. "Okay, but it's…got it." Under the impression that it's now or never, Teddy makes one last effort in Sirius' direction only to be caught round the shoulders and hugged tightly to Remus' chest. "Stop it, Squish, give us a minute to get this food out and you can have all the time with Sirius you want." Remus doesn't even hesitate before using the high chair's harness to its fullest.

"Squish?" Food safely on the table, Sirius has moved to the cupboards and is pulling dishes. "Do you still keep your…?" He lets the question hang when he finds the cutlery drawer on the first try.

Remus takes a second, just to watch the way Sirius knows his way around this kitchen he can't have been in more than twice. "It's a name Dora brought him back with last weekend. Beer? Wine? I'm not sure what else I have, but I'm happy to check." It takes effort to peel his eyes away from where Sirius is laying out dishes, making the cutlery walk across the table to Teddy's enthusiastic delight.

"I won't say no to a beer." The spoons are flying now. Taking off from improvised runways of napkins and knives. "How'd he get it?" Remus shakes his head to clear it and lets the fridge door fall closed behind him. "Oh," he says still a little fogged over. "At the library. Dora and Andy took him to the library. I think last Saturday? Yeah, pretty sure. There was a kid there that kept trying to pick him up. Said he needed a squish."

Sirius pauses, spoon plane hovering just out of reach of tiny grasping hands, and tips his head, considering. "Squish. I like it." Ted flails a chubby fist in the direction of the spoon again, calling Sirius back to the game. "Oh, you want the airplane? Can you catch it?"  _ He's so good at this, _ is what Remus is thinking on his way back to the table.  _ Why can't I just have this? _ Hiding a sigh of resignation in the clearing of his throat, he makes his way back over to the table in time to see Sirius make a slow pass of the spoon well within Teddy's reach so he can revel in the thrill of catching it.  _ Get ahold of yourself. _

  
  
  


"Okay, walk me through this." Remus is doing the dishes while Sirius makes a game of cleaning Teddy's face and hands. "What all will he need on Friday?"

"Behind his ears," Remus says without turning around and then to Sirius' surprised reaction, "just trust me." Remus doesn't mask his smug smile when Sirius checks and, sure enough, Teddy's managed to somehow get food solidly lodged behind both. "Every time." Leaning to get the dish towel from the stove, he takes in the sight of Sirius fiddling with the chair's restraints. He'd forgotten how delicately Sirius touches tiny things. No doubt his job is a factor, but Remus knows he's always been this way. Before the calluses and grease stains, before he ever learned about engines, Sirius always had nimble fingers. He's been the go to for untangling a fishing line or undoing a stubborn knot as long as Remus can remember. Watching those same hands on Teddy is something, but he can't pinpoint what. Endearing? Moving? Whatever it is lodges itself in his throat and stays there until Teddy is out and he's halfway through the drying.

"We'll let him play a bit before his bath. Why don't you take him through to the living room and I'll be right in," he says, as soon as he's sure the words will come unbroken.  _ Get it together _ .

  
  
  
  


"This is pretty simple." Remus hands over the piece of paper he's been taking notes on for the last few minutes. "That's really it." He slides forward on the couch, knees touching the edge of the coffee table so he can still see the page as Sirius looks it over. "He's ready to be picked up from the daycare any time after four, but no hurry, they expect him to stay until five or five thirty. Then dinner, I'll probably leave something in the fridge for you. He has a bath before bed most nights because, well, you've seen the way he eats. Then a couple of books, a bit of a snuggle and he goes down fairly easily." Sirius is sat on the floor opposite him, elbows on the table, chin in his hands, carefully watching while Remus points out each of the bullet points on the schedule he's sketched out. "These aren't hard and fast times, just a rough guideline, but I will say if you have him up after nine, good luck to you. That's about when he usually finds a second wind."

There's something about the way they are hunched together over the page that's very familiar. It's school notes, and prank plans, and huddling up with James and Lily to go over the route for a pipe dream road trip. Scheming, that's what it feels like. Intimacy. Remus grabs on tight to that feeling and shoves it hard back down into his gut.  _ Not now, not him. _ "The dinner is supposed to go until nine, but if they expect me to stick around, I will. Then I've got to get back, so…maybe ten? Does that work?" He's talking too quickly, can feel himself rambling a little. _ Are these things even important?  _ Taking a risk, he looks up from the page and catches Sirius looking back.

"I can do this, you know." Sirius' words come much slower than his, steady and soft. "I used to watch Harry all the time. It's one evening and Teddy seems good with me. We'll be fine."  _ I know. That's not what I'm afraid of _ . Remus pulls himself up and back, settling self consciously against the back cushions of the sofa. Ted's off to the side, stacking coloured blocks in the repetitive way he likes, the one Andi went on and on about. Something about testing definitions or strengthening categories, but he never can follow the thread of the prideful lectures she gives about her only grandson's obvious genius. He watches as long as possible before the silence grows a too thick and he knows he needs to answer. "I'm not... that isn't. I know you can do this," he decides on finally. When he looks back it's Sirius' profile that greets him. He's watching Teddy too. "Then what is it? You seem off." His lips twitch up in that lopsided way they do when he's fighting to hide a smile, and Remus finds himself thoroughly distracted by it. "What's wrong?" Sirius turns to look him straight on, the smile growing with the movement until he's positively beaming. "Don't like having your words turned back on you?"

"You're a shit, you know that?" Banter. Good, this he knows. "You want to tell me what had you feeling off the other night? Because, by all means, you show me yours and I'll happily show you mine." Remus can feel the anxious energy he's holding gather along his edges and race it's way up the back of his neck. This is what they do, push and taunt each other just enough, never to break, never to pressure the other into anything they aren't ready for, just to say _ You and me, this is us. I've got you. _

He knows it's working as soon as Sirius raises his brow and straightens his back to set his shoulders square. Only Sirius could look commanding sitting cross legged on the floor surrounded by children's toys. "That confident, are you?" Sirius tilts his head in false consideration. "Tempting offer, Mr Lupin, but I have no idea what you're talking about."  _ Playing dumb. Alright. _ Sirius makes a show of looking over his hands. Digs something out from under his thumb nail, or more likely just mimes doing it, eyebrows raised in mock superiority the entire time. Remus responds by stretching out lazily, draping his arms over the back of the couch. "Okay, if you want to believe that, you go right ahead. Whatever you need to tell yourself is fine with me."

"What I need," says Sirius sharply, looking Remus pointedly in the eye before refocusing himself on the paper in front of him, his fingers pushing the paper away from him,  _ we're done here _ . "Is for you to relax about Friday, and try to get some work done while I get Teddy ready for bed. Deal?"

_ God, he's wonderful _ . It's overwhelming, really, this back and forth. It's been months, likely more than a year since they've spent this much time alone and it feels like breathing again to be back.  _ Maybe that's all this is, maybe I just missed this _ . There's relief in that idea. If all this nervous energy is about missing this banter just a simple desire to get back to what they had, maybe Remus doesn't actually have to think about the way his chest tightens when Teddy makes his way over on unsteady feet to show his latest find to Sirius. The way that tightness turns to warmth when Sirius receives it as if he's been given the only thing he's ever truly wanted. Maybe, but he isn't convinced.

  
  
  
  


"Hi. Sorry, can you hold on?" Remus doesn't wait for the answer. It's five minutes before he's due to leave for the interview and a terrible time to have just noticed a stain on the cuff of his best shirt. Awkwardly fumbling his arm into the sleeve of a new one he turns back to the call. "Sorry. What can I help you with?"

"It's just me, Rem." Sirius' laugh comes down the line soft and fond. "I know you're probably racing to leave, I just wanted to let you know I'm finishing up here then heading to get Ted." The domesticity of it nearly breaks him. For a second Remus allows himself to imagine this is like a thousand other phone calls he knows will be made across London today. _ "Hey, Babe. I'm just finishing up, any chance you can run by the store on your way home? I'm thinking pasta." _ Chest tight and painful, he fights to get his breath level before attempting to answer. "Great, thanks."  _ Come on, you can do this. _ "I've left dinner in the fridge, and Ted's night things out, and a note saying all of this and more because you know how I am." 

Another chuckle. "That I do. We'll be fine. Go impress them, I've things under control here." 

It's too much and everything and not even a little bit his and the pain of that is too much to bear as he schools his voice into, "Thanks again. I'll be home by ten."

  
  
  


The interview is fine, really. As far as he knows, the publishers are looking for four people to bring on full time and there are only six of them at the dinner, so the odds are decent at the very least. As far as he can tell he's among the most experienced of the group, which should also work in his favour, though it might be outweighed by also being the oldest. It's been a while since he's had the energy to give as much of himself to a job as some of these kids seem willing to do, and exactly Teddy's age since he's had the time. Nothing to be done about any of that anyway. At least now it's behind him. Stepping out of the restaurant, he shrugs his jacket onto his shoulders and is pleased to see from the train station clock across the way that it's only half eight. Plenty of time for the tube.

  
  
  


Forty five minutes later Remus is climbing the back stairs when he stops, suddenly gripped with the realization of what he's about to walk into. It's not that he didn't remember that Sirius was in his apartment with Teddy this whole time. Quite the opposite. All the way through the dinner he found himself imagining what Teddy and Sirius were doing, quietly following the schedule he'd roughed out for Sirius with periodic glances at his watch. They'll be just getting home now, he'd thought as he'd stepped off the tube on the way there. A silent chuckle at the idea of Sirius juggling Teddy and the workings of an unfamiliar oven at the same time as the appetizers were served. The memory of Sirius doubting the food behind the ears as he listened to another candidate tell a clearly exaggerated account of a last minute job he'd pulled off nearly impossibly for his last employer. At first he'd felt uncomfortable allowing his mind to wander to a place where Sirius was his to worry over, but eventually he'd given up fighting it. The interview was predictably stressful, and the other candidates were obnoxious for the most part, and who was he hurting anyway? But now with his hand on the fire door he's pretty sure all of that daydreaming is about to come back to bite him.  _ I just have to go in there and act like a regular person who did not just spend the evening pretending to play house with his best friend.  _ Remus groans low in his chest and rubs his tired eyes with the heels of both palms.  _ Good luck with that. _

  
  


Well versed in the seemingly never ending list of sounds that can wake Teddy in an instant, Remus comes nearly silent through the front door. Shoes off and coat on the hook the way he's done a hundred times before heading in to find Hope with her legs tucked up under her on the couch reading through the latest of her murder mysteries. So stuck is he in the habit, that he forgets for one blessed second that it isn't Hope he'll find, but Sirius. "Hey." The whispered greeting is barely audible save for the absolute stillness that seems to have taken over the apartment in his absence. Remus looks, as if for the first time, through the doorway at the refrigerator he was very sure used to produce at least a background hum and furrows his brow at the sound of nothing. "How was the interview?" 

Oh. "Good. Good, I think? I never can tell. There were only six of us and four jobs to fill and I wasn't even the one who spilled his wine down his shirt so…" Remus is pulled by a movement to the right and looks only to have his eye caught by a resettling Sirius. "I'm rambling."

"I promise you aren't." There's a soft smile to accompany the reassurance and Remus is quite sure that he needs to get something between him and the floor, and fast. "Teddy?" He's across to the chair in two unsteady strides. "He was fine, Rem." Sirius is watching him more than closely, his eyes seeming to search for something. Remus can only hope whatever it is, that he doesn't find it, or finds it quickly, whichever ends with him being able to breathe again fastest. He's not picky. "We played, and had dinner and a bath, and played some more, then he curled up in my lap and we read a couple of books. He was out before the second one even started to get interesting." They are talking now, there really is only so much you can whisper, but their voices are still low against the silence. "You got him transferred?" Remus speaks just to the left of Sirius' face and hopes it's close enough. 

"I did the humming and tried to copy what I watched you doing the other night. It seemed to go okay." Sirius is still talking, something about trying to shift Teddy's weight from his lap into his arms without waking him, but Remus' ears are still echoing _ "what I watched"  _ in a way that's drowning out all other sound.  _ He watched _ .

"Rem? Remus? Are you listening?" He isn't. He hasn't heard anything since he got stuck on the idea of Sirius trying to mimic his movements, but the words are coming through now and he's trying his best. 

"Yeah, sorry. Long night." 

"Of course," Sirius says in reply as he starts to lift himself from the sofa. "Hey." Still quiet, but firm. 

"Yes?" Remus looks up as he answers and finds that he is already behind.

"Promise me you'll go to bed. No more work tonight, Mr Lupin. Whatever you've told yourself needs you, I'm telling you it doesn't." It's too much. This is every one of his domestic imaginings playing out in real time, and he's sure he's going to cry. 

"I promise." It's a miracle really that he manages even those two words. Even more so that Sirius doesn't seem to have noticed the effort needed to get them out with even an approximation of calm. 

"Good. I'll let myself out. You really do look exhausted." It's all Remus can do to watch as he crosses the room and ducks into the hallway for his boots. Thank goodness, really, for those boots and their too many eyelets. For the laces that must be threaded and wrapped and tied. Remus uses every one of the minutes it takes to gather himself before making his way over to say goodbye. 

"Thank you for this." It's not enough really, but it's what he has to offer. 

"Thank you for letting me," and then Sirius is fumbling the latch and making his way into the hall.

  
  
  
  


Remus is still jitters, still unsettled and tense a week later as he's bundling Teddy off the tube and into the too tight elevator. He's halfway through the list of reasons why he hasn't yet heard about the job – he's too old, he's over qualified, he made a horrible impression, his proof was awful – when he feels himself jostled from behind. "Sorry!" Damn his politeness. Damn his Nan and his teachers and the church women who taught him to always put others first, and damn this over warm tight place, and his pride that made him turn down the ride Sirius called earlier to offer. Damn Sirius, really, if we're getting right to it.  _ There we are _ . Even with the job stress, the regular day to day of him and Teddy and Dora, all roads these days seem to end in Sirius. To be fair the man does seem to be inserting himself into nearly every corner of Remus' life. Friday, of course, then last Sunday when he called round to see if Remus needed anything from the market because he just happened to be passing by. Tuesday he was sure he'd left his gloves at their place even though they couldn't find them, but he'd stayed for the offered beer after Ted went down. Friday it was Remus who reached out, truth be told, but still, Sirius had jumped at the request to come by and help watch Teddy for a couple of hours Saturday morning so he and Dora could hash out their schedules for the coming holidays. Then this afternoon and the offer of a ride to the Potters. More Sirius in the last week than in the dozen that came before and Remus couldn't be more aware of it.

  
  
  


There are only six of them tonight at the Potter's. Not an intimate dinner by any means, but a far cry from the largest this table has seen, so the leaves are out and Remus finds himself grateful that the usual boisterous conversation might actually be held to a bearable volume. The core group of them have settled themselves the way they usually do with James and his antiquated notions of man-of-the-house at one end, Lily and Harry at either side. Whenever Harry is here, less these days what with his having his own life to get to, Sirius is always sat next to him. 

Coming around to secure Teddy in Harry's old high chair at the far end, Remus catches a movement out the corner of his eye and looks up to see Sirius already there unfastening the straps and pulling them out of the way. His "Thank you," comes out just a little too questioning, but thankfully is low enough to not draw the notice of the others already squabbling about something or other down the other end. "Still have hands though." This one he's relieved to find he manages as playful. The answer comes swift as Sirius reaches through to right Teddy's leg from where he's crimped it against the coming restraints, "Trust me, I know."

Remus fumbles the clasp twice with the way his brain stutters at the thought of Sirius noticing anything so intimate about him as his hands – Is that even what that means? His hands, yes, definitely  _ his _ hands,  _ but mine? _ – but even he can't miss the way nimble fingers gently pry the straps from him and finish the job. "Come on, Squish, you're all noise and we know it. Da will get your food and then we'll see who's still angry to be here." _ _

_ He'd be Papa. _ God, Remus is barely over the hands and still only halfway to his chair and it's  _ You can do this, just keep breathing, two more steps, okay, now sit down carefully, _ because  _ he'd be Papa, _ and if that isn't the thing that breaks him, what will?

  
  
  


"Come on, just hand that here." The laugh in Sirius' voice startles Remus out of the focus he's using to support Teddy in one arm and reach to put the last of the serving dishes back up into the cupboard above the fridge. "Which one? The toddler or the bowl?" It's Ted that decides what with the way he lunges in Sirius' direction. "Okay, okay, Squish. I'll take you. Leave the bowl to your Da." Sirius has Ted up and in the air over his head in seconds, all giggles and that open smile he's been using more and more when Sirius is around. Remus goes up on his toes one last time to settle the bowl then turns to rest against the counter and watch his boys.  _ Shit. No _ . To watch Sirius and his boy. He has got to get this under control.

"Ten more minutes, Teddy, then we have to get going." Then to Sirius "less upside down, please. Only one of us is going to have to handle it if he gets sick, and it won't be you." Teddy squawks from where he's hanging, ankles in Sirius' hands, head feet above the ground. "Won't it? He'll be in my car after all." They haven't discussed this. Sirius raises his brows not so much in question as in daring.  _ Tell me no _ . "All the more reason then," and it's settled.

  
  
  
  


"You can't expect me to believe that?" Hope pauses, wet plate dripping soapy water back into the sink, and turns, pinning Remus with a look he hasn't seen in years. "You've told me some whoppers over the years, young man, but this," she shakes her head and turns back to the wash, "this might be the worst."

Teddy breaks the silence with a loud cry of "Da! Da!," arms in the air to signal he's fine with being trapped in his chair. "Okay, Squish, let's get you out of there." Remus bends to the work of undoing the belt latch where it's tucked against the tiny tummy. With his head safely down where his mother can't see the strain it takes to say it, he musters everything he can into, "I'm not trying to be difficult, I'm just saying I don't think it's what it looks like. We're just old friends relieved to be spending time together again." There's no amount of excited babble from Teddy that could cover the exasperated huff he gets back.

"Ever since you were a boy," they're in the bathroom now. Hope on her knees on the floor beside the tub, sleeves rolled up over her elbows, hands soapy in an effort to clean a giggling Teddy. Remus is listening from his perch on the counter. "Anytime kids were playing they'd be all huddled together making up rules and arguing about who goes first, and there you'd be, off to the side, watching." She looks over her shoulder and catches Remus' eye and holds it. "Get off the sidelines. If you want this, you're going to have put yourself out there." 

"I never said I  _ wanted  _ anything. Just because you want me to like him...come on, Squish, let's get you dressed." Remus carries the towel bundled toddler through the door into the hall, and turns left toward his room. "Just because you want it, doesn't mean I do." Hope is bent over the tub as he leaves, grumbling to herself and making no effort to hide it. "Hey, you know what? We should talk about how I didn't get the job again," he shouts from the bedroom. "You can ask me to go over it in detail one more time. That was fun, right?"

"You've been lying to me for forty years, Remus," Hope calls back through the doorway. "You're no better at it now then the first time. Get your head together and figure out what you're going to do. He's invited himself for dinner again tomorrow, love. That's not for nothing. Promise me you'll think on it." 

As if there's a chance he thinks about anything else.

  
  
  
  


"Sirius…" he tenses his fingers around the dish towel in his hands and closes his eyes, forcing himself to breathe as steadily as possible until he hears the clink of the glass knocking into its neighbours and the dull thunk of the cupboard closing. The kitchen goes very quiet, but Sirius hasn't stepped away. "Sirius, you can't…"

Remus sees a hand appear at his side, counter height, fingers flexing then retreating, hears the soft scraping of Sirius readjusting his feet in the space behind him. Hears everything in the quiet that takes over the room. "I'm not saying I…" The words trail off as nervous as they started, but then it's never been words that they've relied on. It begins incredibly lightly, just the barest of touches between the shoulders that go on to gain confidence when Remus doesn't resist. By the time they reach his bottom rib, fingers have been joined by a palm that hesitates before turning to run its way over his waist, across his stomach and anchor itself on his other hip. "What if I want to?"

"It's not…" Sirius steps forward and rests the whole of his chest against Remus' back in a steady roll from left to right, short-circuiting his ability to think, let alone finish speaking. 

"I know it isn't," Sirius says from much too close. "You've got Teddy and Dora to think about, and I've never… well. I know you probably don't think of me like this, but I...please Rem, just consider it." It's the sadness again, the hesitation, that snaps Remus out of it. He's a second too late, Sirius already beginning to pull back, when he finally convinces his arms to cooperate, reaching the left back to hold Sirius against him, the fingers of his right grasping for the hand at his hip. 

"Wait. Think of you, how?" Remus has his voice mostly under control when it comes, which surprises him given the way his entire body is thrumming with energy.  _ Come on, you can do this _ , he chides himself. "Like this?" He pulls them a little more tightly together. "Because I think about you like this all the time. Maybe not exactly like this, but…"

_ Oh, God _ . Sirius turns his face into Remus' neck and breathes deeply. When he speaks, Remus can feel his lips moving against the join of his shoulder and nearly forgets to listen. "I want this. I want you, and Teddy, and this." Sirius lets his weight fall with the confession, lets his shoulders sag and his head fall heavy on Remus' shoulder. "I missed you."

"I missed you too," Remus chokes out before the tears come. "I still make your disgusting coffee at least once a week." He's laughing through the tears, they're only relief really, anyway.

Sirius' hand slides up from hip to chest to hold him closer, hold them together. He's laughing now too. "What do you do with it?"

"Drink it. You can't possibly think my mother raised a man who wastes perfectly good food." He's barely able to get through the whole thing. The laughter's gone maniacal and Sirius spins him, still against the counter, to get a hand over his mouth. "Shhh!" It's far too loud to be a whisper. "Teddy." The best Remus can do is nod against the hand and will himself to remember what breathing normally feels like. He's doing his best to manage four in and four out and failing terribly when Sirius gives up and kisses him.

They've kissed before. Three times, exactly. Truth or dare in seventh year when James had gotten high on the idea of everyone pairing off and grown more than a little meddlesome, drunkenly the New Year's they were twenty one and had both shown up dateless and more than a little lonely to Frank's party, and the other time. They don't talk about the other time. This kiss is like none of those. In all of those Sirius had been leading, aggressive even, but today he's sitting back, waiting for Remus to guide him. Lost in the shock of what's happening, Remus slips and doesn't catch on fast enough.

Sirius pulls back and shifts his gaze nervously to the floor. It's another one of these flashes of insecurity that look so out of place on his otherwise confident face. "You're nervous?" Remus asks it while smoothing a hand over his shoulder and running his fingers through the hair at the back of his neck. "You're never nervous." Sirius doesn't answer, only leans himself into the touch and keeps his eyes where Remus can't see them. "You have to tell me," he starts, ducking his head to the side to try to draw Sirius back up. "I can't…" Back to their fallback of action over words, Remus pulls Sirius flush to his chest and guides his head to his shoulder. "I'm not doing this if you're unsure. I need to know it's not going to wreck us."

"You do this with Teddy," Sirius says, after a pause. Perhaps out of respect for the sleeping toddler, perhaps just out of reverence for the way this moment sits on the edge of here and somewhere they've never been, they're both speaking barely loud enough to be heard. Remus hums in response, never stilling the hand running through Sirius' hair. "This is the way you hold him when he's sleeping on your shoulder. You going to try to transfer me to bed too?" It's delivered perfectly. Even and steady and he manages to bite back the laugh, even the smile, until the full force of the words finally hits Remus. "Sirius…God…," he groans. "You can't. Just talk to me, please. We'll go to the living room. You want a beer?" He's still using the sleeping voice, the tone built for care and carefulness, and it should feel strange, but it just doesn't. He wants to speak softly to Sirius. Wants to soothe him and care for him. Wants to make this as easy as possible for both of them. "Go ahead, I'll get them and follow you in." He's letting go so slowly and, even still, he can feel Sirius chasing the touch. "I know," he whispers, in lieu of pulling him back, "It's okay." He wraps their fingers into each other and decides they'll do it together.

  
  
  
  


There's no good way to ask someone to tell you what scares them, Remus figures, it's probably best to just be direct about it. They are tangled together on the Chesterfield, hands still held tight, knees on thighs, Sirius' head on Remus' shoulder. Remus dares to hope that Sirius is also holding tight because, depending on how this conversation goes, this could be all they get. "I don't want to pressure you, but there's something you're not telling me." He pulls him a little closer, a little farther onto his lap. "I can't... I've got Teddy, I can't just... I have to be careful."

"That's just it though." Sirius closes his eyes and rests his head a little heavier, like he's taking a minute to gather everything, like he won't have another. "I don't know how to do that. I never...I always thought I'd have kids, did you know that?" No. Remus hadn't. They'd never talked about Sirius' future, really. There had been the early years when he'd been reluctant to share anything about his life at home, then the messy middle stretch when he'd been actively trying to show his parents what a disappointment he truly was, but once he'd been sent packing, he'd always closed himself off when they talked about their plans. "You never said."

"Hmm, I guess I didn't. Did I?" He doesn't wait for confirmation, just slides down the couch to lay his head on Remus' leg, his face turned out into the room. Remus waits until he's settled then goes back to gently running a hand up and down his back. "I hated it, the thought of being a father. Of being a father like my father. I knew I was meant to, they made that abundantly clear, but I still thought somehow I'd avoid it. Then I did, first by leaving home then by being deemed unfit to parent by the rest of the world." Here he tips his head up to catch Remus' eye with a smile. "You got around that though, didn't you? Too bad you didn't have a cousin for me to knock up." His chuckle is quiet, but genuine. "Even if I've never seen the appeal." He takes Remus' arm in his and pulls it back over with him when he turns away again. "I'm afraid. That's what kept me from just showing up on your doorstep when I hadn't seen you in months, even though I knew you needed help. I'm afraid that I'll be like him. Like Orion. I love Teddy too much to ever let him see that."

"Come here." Remus hooks Sirius under the arm and gently pulls him back in the direction of sitting up. "All the way up, come on." Sirius shoots him a look that says,  _ I'm not a child _ , but comes willingly anyway. Remus hauls him up until he's half in his lap and turns his head with a thumb under his chin. "Do you trust me?" Sirius' eyes flicker with fear just quickly. It's quite the question. Does he? "Do you trust my judgement?" Better. Less loaded. Sirius drops his eye and nods. "If I thought you were like your father, I wouldn't let you anywhere near Teddy, would I?" Sirius doesn't answer, just turns his head into the comfort of his chest and closes his eyes. Remus holds him tighter and shuffles them both so they're wholly on the couch. "I wouldn't." He whispers the last into the hair over Sirius' left ear. "You are nothing like your father. Nothing. I wouldn't be here if you were." 

  
  
  
  


Remus wakes as he often does to the feeling of tiny cold hands rubbing their way up his back. Ever since he was a baby Teddy has reverted to the comfort of skin on skin when he's hurting or sleepy, and mornings are no different. What is different is the weight on his arm and the view when he opens his eyes. How is he so lovely? Sirius blinks his eyes open slowly and turns with a slow smile. "Morning, Squish, and morning, you." Remus can remember the couch and the conversation and the way Sirius had looked so fragile when he'd gathered him into his arms last night, but this morning his eyes are playful again. Sly. "Come on, Ted, right here in the middle." The weight shifts on his arm, blood rushing back painfully into his fingers when Sirius turns to haul Teddy up and over him. He's all elbows and knees and too much wriggling in the small space between them but Sirius takes it in stride. "Do you remember when Harry was little and he'd only sleep on people? We'd go by on nights when Lily was working and James would be desperate for someone to relieve him so he could eat or pee or get the feeling back in his legs?" Remus shuffles himself fully onto his side to watch the boys, his boys now, jostling for position. "He always liked you best though. Dora and I talked about that so much when we found out Teddy was coming. You were always so much better with him." 

There's actual concern on Sirius' face when he looks up, far too much for the lighthearted intention of Remus' words. "Always the same problem with you, Rem. You're never willing to just let it happen. Too worried from the start that everything will go wrong."

It's weighty, this. They're at a start and Sirius is not wrong, he is already worried, but he's trying, he really is. "Please," it's a plea in the shape of a groan. "Please don't remind me of my mother right now." Sirius' laugh is broken in the way of early morning voices, but all the more beautiful for it. 

"Hope's been laying into you, has she? Wonderful, that can only work in my favour. You know I've always been her favourite. Plus, I've got Squish on my side." He tilts his head to draw Remus' eye to where Teddy has rucked up the front of Sirius’ shirt and is quietly running his hands over his ribs. 

"Yeah, he's...sorry. He has a thing for skin to skin, I can," but Sirius catches his arm in the air before he can do anything to stop it. "It's fine. I like it. Means he feels comfortable, right?"  _ He likes it. He's wonderful. _

"Yeah, it makes him feel safe." Sirius hasn't looked up but it's obvious from his voice that his eyes have gone soft. "Why don't you guys stay here another minute and I'll start breakfast." He's almost up when there's a delighted giggle from Teddy. 

"Fine, but tomorrow you'll let me repay the favour."

  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Find me on Tumblr @astoundinglymade, because you are. Astoundingly made, that is. We all are, it's wild.


End file.
